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• A man walks into a music store and wants to buy a good, old-fashioned vinyl record. He gets the record and is ready to check out when he discovers that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decides to steal the record. So he sticks it down his pants.
  Of course, the cashier spots him on the way out and says, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"
  The man replies, "Well, it may not be a record but I haven't heard any complaints."
• Q: did you hear about the blond with a masters degree in psychology?
  A: she'll blow your mind, too.
• A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that she'd like a medium pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she'd like to have it cut into: six or twelve.
  "Oh, goodness, six please," said the blonde. "I don't think I could ever eat twelve!"
• What is Bill Clinton's favorite instrument?
  The WhoreMonica!
• Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.
• Q: why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
  A: to cover up the valve stem.
• In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
  To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
  "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
  "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
  The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
• Q: What's the difference between men and batteries?
  A: Batteries have a positive side.
• The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
• There was a brunette jumping from rail to rail on a train track saying, "21-21-21-21..."
  A blonde comes along and asks the brunette what she is doing. The brunette didn't answer.
  So the blonde decided to jump from rail to rail saying, "21-21-21-21..." also.
  Suddenly a large train honking its horn comes along. The brunette jumps off but the blonde stayed on and got killed by the train.
  After the train passed by, the brunette jumps back on the tracks saying, "22-22-22-22..."
• 07/03/2009
• An alien walked into a shop and told the owner that he came from Mars and wanted to buy a brain for research.
  "How much is this one?" he asked. "Well that one is a monkey brain and it's $20," he explained.
  "How much is that one?" he asked "Well that one is a female brain and its $100." he explained.
  "And how much is that one?" he asked. "That one is a male's brain and it is $500" he explained.
  "Why so expensive?" the alien asked. "Well it has hardly been used!"
• Q. What's a transvestite's idea of a good time?
  A. Eat, drink, and be Mary!
• A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
  Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."
  Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
• Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
• Q: How does a blonde turn on the air conditioner after sex?
  A: She turns the ignition key.
• What do you get when you offer a blonde
  a penny for her thoughts?
  Change.
• Who invented the first computer in Biblical Times?
  Eve -- she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other!
• Q: what is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons ?
  A: you can also sit upright in a car.
• A concerned girl asked the priest, "Father, is it a sin to have sex before receiving communion?
  He replied, "Only if you block the aisle."
• What's the difference between a fat woman and a virgin?
  A fat woman's trying to diet, and the virgin's dying to try it!
• 07/02/2009
• After a visit to the doctor, a man returns home and tells his wife he has approximately six hours left to live. Of course, they go straight to bed and have some amazing, athletic sex. Half an hour later, the man asks his wife if they can have sex again. They do, and it's even more vigourous and ferocious sex. An hour later, the man asks his wife for sex again, and they have a ball-busting, rib-breaking round of sex. An hour later, the man wants it again.
  "No way," says the wife. "I have to get up in the morning. You don't."
• A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.
  So a fireman asks him, "Why are you going back in there?"
  The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother in law."
• If you go into heat, package your meat
• When in doubt shroud you spout
• One day two kids were wandering around near a stream. One of the boys wandered off near a bush and the other wandered farther down stream. The boy who was wandering down stream started to get lonely, so he went to find his other friend. When he got to the bush were his friend was he saw a naked woman and ran away. The boy that was here for a long time got curios and ran after him and asked, "Why did you run away."
  The other boy said, "My mom said that if I were to ever see a naked woman I would turn to stone. Then I felt something get very hard so I ran."
• A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
  "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
  After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
  "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
• Q: whats the differance between a fridge and a fanny?
  A: a fridge dosn't fart when you take the meat out.
• Q: what is the difference between a blonde and a prostitute?
  A: prostitutes don't drive Ferrari's
• Q: what does "bones" mccoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
  A: "space. The final frontier......"
• What's the difference between a blonde and the internet?
  Not everyone's been on the internet!

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