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Next update: 05/20/2013
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- PenisBot's Daily Jokes
- 05/13/2013
- A young priest was visting a convent. One day he was taking shower, when he realized that he didn't have any soap. He wrapped a towel around himself and ran to his room, hoping no one saw him. He got to his room, grabbed the soap and was running back to his shower. On his way, his towel came off, but he heard two nuns coming down the hallway. He was forced to leave the towel, and stand like a statue. When the nuns came to him, one said, "Look! A new soap dispenser!" Another said, "How you get the soap?" So one pulled on his dick, and a bar of soap fell from his hand. "Look! I got a bar of soap!" said the nun. The second nun pulled on his dick.
"Look! I got liquid soap!" - What's the definition of innocence?
A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making little sleeping bags for mice. - You're just like a television -- even an old man can turn you on.
- A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.
With her foot caught in the stirrups, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged the horse. - Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's day?
A: All pants half off! - Kissing is a habit,
screwing is a game,
boys get all the pleasure,
girls get all the pain.
He says he loves you
and you believe it's true,
but when your stomach starts to swell
he says the hell with you!!!
16 minutes of pleasure,
9 months of pain,
3 days in the hospital,
a baby with no name.
The baby is a bastard
the mother is a whore,
it never would of happened
if the rubber hadn't tore! - One day God came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Well, give me the good news first."
"I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
"The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time." - Q: why do blondes have more fun?
A1: because they don't know any better.
A2: they are easier to keep amused.
A3: because they are easier to find in the dark. - Q: why are blonde's coffins y-shaped?
A: because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open. - Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.
- 05/12/2013
- Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
She's a woman. - "What did I do this time?"
Really means... "What did you catch me doing?" - Add the beds, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and I'll multiply!
- Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants. "
"Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in... " - Q: how do you get a blonde off of your knees?
A: come. - This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.
- Emily, I don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alan in accounting asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?"
"Oh, my gosh," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"
"What should I do?"
"Wear an old dress." - Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough! - Q: did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
A: it's called maids - if the don't get one, they die. - When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight.
- 05/11/2013
- Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips. - Q: what do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: gifted! - If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
- What's the difference between a blonde and a brick wall?
A brick wall's only been laid once! - A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."
So the cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad ... whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."
So this penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room and make me do push ups until I throw up!" - A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there. So he walks up to the car, and there's a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.
The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book and I'm 20."
Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how oldshe is. The boy replies, "She's knitting and she'll be 18 in about five minutes." - An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
- An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.
"Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree." - Why do soldiers wear condoms?
So the enemy doesn't seem 'em coming! - How does Captain Picard describe blondes?
SPACE: The Final Frontier!
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