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- PenisBot's Daily Jokes
- 05/16/2013
- "Would you like to hear my sexual philosophy?" the boss asked the new coder.
"Why yes sir, I think that would be interesting," she responded.
"It's really quite simple," he said. "Get it Up... Get in In... Get it Off... and Get it Home."
"Hmmmmmmm," she mused. "Sounds like the Four-Get-It system to me!" - A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!" - The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But I'm rechecking my answers." - Q: whats the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley.
A: a supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. - What do you call a turtle with an erection?
A slow poke! - There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
"Thank God I'm not a gynecologist." - If a blonde could be any fish, what fish would she be?
A blowfish - Electrician's daughter, but she lit up half the town.
- Janey was walking down North Main Street in Danville. As she walked past the delicatessen, she glanced into the shop window. There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming "Fresh from Warsaw-World's Largest Sausage."
Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen. It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long.
"That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage," she thought. "Oh well, I'll try anything once."
So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, plunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up.
"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" cried Janey in dismay. "What do you think I am? A slot machine?" - The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
- 05/15/2013
- How do blonde brain cells die?
Alone - Q: why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: because they're simple, easy and they taste good. - Did you hear about the blonde that went
to library and checked out a book
called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out
it was volume 7 of an encyclopedia. - A guy was driving down the road in his car. A prostitute walks out in front of him. He smacks her with the bumper of his car and knocks her down. He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying on her back on the road.
She is groaning in pain. She mumbles, "I think I'm blind, I think I'm blind..."
Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and says, "How many fingers do I have up?"
"Oh my God," she says. "I'm not paralyzed too, am I?!?" - There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed.
"What happened then?" they asked.
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'" - You got any overdue library books? 'Cause you got fine written all over you!
- Q: How many men does it take to screw a light bulb into a socket?
A: One -- because men will screw anything. - There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms." - Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife?
Neither has he. - The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
- 05/14/2013
- Men are like toilets -- either they're taken, or full of crap!
- A man's occupation is to stick his cockulation in a woman's ventilation to increase the population of the younger generation. I got this information from the board of education if you want a demonstration -- LIE DOWN!
- What does a bulimic call two fingers?
Dessert. - Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs! - Q: what is the difference between a blond and a 747?
A: not everyone has been in a 747 - A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me."
The doctor says, "Well, tell me your symptoms."
"Well, everything hurts. When I touch my nose it hurts (touching nose), when I touch my leg it hurts (touching leg), when I touch my arm it hurts (touching arm), it just hurts everywhere!" she said.
The doctor, after looking at her for a second, said, "Did you used to be a blonde?"
The brunette said, "Why yes!"
The doctor said, "Your finger's broken." - Q: what goes vroom, screech,vroom, screech,vroom, screech?
A: a blonde going through a flashing red light. - Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep! - Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
- A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove was then thrown in a finished products box. The dentist's patient was disgusted by the lack of care taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting to keep all the patients he could, the dentist didn't mention how they made condoms.
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