Daily Jokes
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Next update: 06/20/2013
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- PenisBot's Daily Jokes
- 06/07/2013
- Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's not funny! - Q: why don't they let blondes swim in the ocean?
A: because they can't get the smell out of the tuna. - What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes
have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of seamen. - Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms!"
I didn't even know that she had a penis! - These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.
The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!
She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!" - A blonde is suffering from a sore throat
so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor
who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says "Open
wide".
"I can't," replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted
with arms." - What do you get when you are on you hands and knees?
You get very dirty. - What's the difference between a woman and dog at your front door?
The dog will stop barking once you let it in! - Q: why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
A: from trying to blow out light bulbs. - Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!" - 06/06/2013
- An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking.
"Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"How do you turn them off?" - Cover your stump before you hump
- Man
Is this seat empty?
Woman
Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. - What do rocks and women have in common?
You skip the flat ones! - Q: why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A: so that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
A2: so they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits. - I saw your dad walking down the street the other day, I called him a faget then he hit me with his purse.
- Q: what is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: data transfer. - Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?
A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons. - "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." - Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?
- 06/05/2013
- An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!" Concerned, his partner turns to him
"What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?" - Have you heard about the new Barbie doll?
It's called Divorce Barbie. It comes with all Ken's stuff. - Q: what is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A: she can't say "no". - Why don't blondes wear miniskirts in San Francisco?
Because their balls hang out! - A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
- A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!" - Can your worm before you squirm
- Q: why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: she heard that the drinks were on the house. - How do you stop a dog who's humping your leg?
Whack him off! - What is a hooker in Alaska called?
A frostitute!
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